Want to Want

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Want to Want

 

I want to want a million things

I never thought I wouldn’t want.

I yearn to leave the fear behind

And walk in the valley of my dreams.

To wake from this deep sleep

That’s settled over me,

For passion to drive my every move

And keep away the nagging feeling

Of only ever going round and round

In circles without ever making real progress.

I want a change and fear what it may bring,

Terror doesn’t settle in loud and angry ways

It creeps and sneaks in little ways

And quietly slips fingers around your brain.

So smooth you’ll never see it coming,

Won’t know until you it’s too late and you’re already

Tied down.

It makes it incredibly hard to feel desire,

To want the things you know you want.

That terror makes you tired,

Confused, so when what you want

Sits in front of your face shouting at you

You look right past and don’t even hear.

I want to want a million things

I forgot I always wanted.

 

In the moments when I can’t remember the things that bring me joy I have to take a deep breath and attempt to remember. But at least I know that I have forgotten something, so I’ll always keep searching for what I can’t remember. When I remember my joy – inevitably I always do because it’s not that my joy goes away, I just forget – it’s a coming home to myself.

 

What is it that you forget sometimes?

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