Alone

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Alone

 

So he stands

Alone on an empty stage

Humble in stature

But begging to be seen

Pleading to be heard.

Looking out to the audience

Where not a soul sits,

Waiting for some judgment

For someone to notice

His standing all alone.

All that lies before him

Is the darkness of

An empty theatre.

A single light shines from

Behind,

Casting him into shadow.

In silence he waits,

Searching without moving

For another to validate his existence.

 

None come

Alone he stands

A single solitary figure

Highlighted in the darkness by a single light.

A longing

For the world to see and accept him as he is

Alone, bared for all to see

On an vacant stage.

To be taken – loved

Without expectations

Or conditions.

The quiet fills the air

So heavy it could be touched.

Time speeds and crawls

Alternately and

Still he stands

Alone.

 

I just couldn’t get this image of a man standing alone on a stage out of my head, so I wrote about it. I think often we all stand on our own stages alone wanting to be seen and heard and accepted. We all look to others to validate our selves and our feelings. The most important validation we can ever get is our own.

 

When have you felt like you were alone wanting to be heard?

On the Ground

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On the Ground

 

I’m laying on the cold hard ground

Searching for what I’ve never found.

Arms and feet sprawled out in all directions

Naked legs and cheeks

Just may meet the smooth cool floor.

When I fell I didn’t make a sound,

The little cracks that splintered

Shattering me to the earth

Were silent in their breaking.

I’m excised from my being

As I’m broken on the floor.

I’m one of me and yet apart,

As lonely tears fall slowly down

Pooling all around

My face that’s flattened on the ground.

It’s lonely in my weakness

No one has heard my fall,

I’m empty and disbanded

With not a witness around.

I’ve lost all sense of time

All sense of self.

I know not who I am

Even less who I’ll become.

I’ll lay here in my waiting

Staring blankly on ahead

To see beyond the world.

I’ll wait for absolution

From each of my sins,

I’ll wait for resolution

To come lay claim to me.

Until I am rejoined

And breath begins anew,

All this is forgotten

And my mind lets go of you.

 

Sometimes I just need to be sad, to lay on the ground in anguish. I’ve realized that the best thing is to allow myself to feel whatever it is I’m feeling. To try and pretend otherwise or try to make it go away is the opposite of productive. So I let myself go to those dark places, when I need to. But I try to limit how long I stay. Eventually the more I try and feel what I’m feeling, the more those feelings dissipate.

What helps you feel what you’re feeling?

Loss

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Loss

There are two things that happen

When I lose something

One is I get really sad

Tears, sobbing the works.

Two is anger,

Rage at life for taking it from me

Anger at myself for getting attached.

 

Anger and sadness get all mixed

Up inside my head

Tearing me up and ripping me apart

Until I’m a ball of shreds

Tangled up and limp

Laying on the floor

Devoid of all energy.

 

To be completely emptied

To have heaved forth

All that was inside

To painstakingly cut out

Every piece of myself

Leaving an empty shell

Wandering around the planet,

I am open once again

An empty vessel to be filled

A canvas to be painted.

 

I guess it’s part of living

The falling, letting go

Restructuring of all beliefs,

If they are never tested

How will we ever know.

In the midst of all the testing

The questioning and pain

We’re unable to see

What we’re destined to know.

It won’t be until later

After those

Wounds begin to scar

As we heal ourselves

With patience

And breathing as we go,

That we’ll begin to understand

All that we need to know

 

And realize at once

That all we know is nothing

And we understand even less

But that’s all we really need

To be our very best.

 

Loss, happens everyday. We lose friends, family, jobs, homes, hope. Loss is an inevitable part of living. It’s what we do with that loss that counts. But here’s the catch, that doesn’t mean therefore we have to accept loss gracefully and joyfully. We are allowed to be pissed, allowed to be sad, depressed even. Those can last as long as they need to, the key is figuring out how long you really need to feel those emotions. Recognize when you have dropped from feeling into wallowing and make a choice to change it. This is one of those shitty difficult parts of human living, luckily we have a whole life-time to practice! Lucky us. 

What helps you get through loss of any kind?

Nothing is Forever

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Nothing is Forever

 

No matter how I wish

Time will not stop

Not halt its flowing

To pacify me.

Nothing is forever

Is what it reminds me.

Just keep moving,

One foot before the other

Till one day

I’ll open my eyes and a hundred

Tomorrows will have

Turned into a hundred

Yesterdays.

Even if I stop

Keep both feet still

The earth, time

It won’t wait

Things will move around me

I’ll be a rock in the flow

Of all the rest,

Which as the water, will

Flow around, ignoring the stillness.

 Stopping leaves me far behind

Not helping, or easing pain

It just leaves me behind.

But how to move,

When moving seems so hard

So antithetical?

One foot, reminds the river,

One breath reminds time.

I take one breath

Followed by another

Then move one foot

And then the other

Then I’m breathing and walking.

Nothing is forever,

Pain and fear of now

Fade into the past.

New replaces old

New replaced with newer.

 

As spring is in bloom and the weather gets warmer I can’t help but be reminded that nothing lasts forever. That even the coldest, darkest winter will eventually turn into spring. While it can be helpful to remember that things I perceive as “bad” don’t last forever, it is also beneficial to remember that even the things I perceive as “good” also don’t last forever. That everything changes and cycles back around. The most important aspect to learn is letting go and not attaching.

What reminds you that nothing lasts forever?

No Drama

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No Drama

 

There’s no drama

There’s no fuss

It is what it is,

It will be what it will be.

It’s easy and comfortable

Just to be,

Nothing forced

Nothing pushed.

To be where we are

To see where we go

Without attachment

Or expectation.

To be as we are

Is lovely and warms my heart.

I treasure the moments

We have in their simplicity.

I hope for many more.

 

Sometimes I just enjoy a drama free day. One where things are as they are, and I can let go of everything else. I love those days when I can sink into the wonder of life as it is. I find the best way for me to have a drama free day is to spend it in nature! 

When are you able to have a drama free day?

 

New Birth

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New Birth

 

I’ll own up to all of my power

Wash away each of the fears,

Scrub away any self hatred with

Every single one of my tears.

Say yes to the new day that’s dawning

Awake to the sunlight inside,

Bring forth one who’s living within me.

Nudge her and love her and give her

Plenty of room to grow.

Raise my hands in praise

Of the love within me that

Reaches out to the world.

Stretch, stand and land in my

Brilliance

Reach, fly and float in my

Wonder.

Open my eyes to my flaws

To all the beliefs that cause me pain

Accept myself wholly

Without question.

 

As spring is finally making an appearance here in NJ, I am filled with thoughts of birth and new beginnings. In nature, I see so many flowers going into bloom and coming to life. Everything is waking up. I feel that call within myself – to wake up, to start anew.

What does spring inspire in you?

Where I am

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Where I Am

 

“Be where you are”

Those four words

Echo through my head

Over and over.

Apparently I need to work on

Being present.

Who, what, when, where

I’m always

Thinking and going over

What’s coming next.

Who I need to see,

When I need to be there,

Where I need to go,

What I need to be doing.

Then once the work day is done

All those ‘needs’ get replaces by ‘wants.’

The mind likes to chatter

Likes to obsess and worry.

The mind doesn’t like

The present,

The present is peaceful

The present is quiet, calm.

The present involves surrender,

Letting go.

All of which frighten the mind.

But if I live my life always looking to

Tomorrow I’ll miss out on today.

“Be where you are”

Truer words haven’t been written.

I am wherever I am.

So it works against me to

Focus too much energy on what’s next

Or what’s already been.

 

Over and over – again and again I am reminded to  be here – be present. It’s all about acceptance and letting go of all I thought would be, of all I want to be and releasing into what is. Not always an easy thing when you wish things were different. Plus I always walk a fine line between being completely in the present while also remaining aware of the future and planning for it.

When do you find it easiest to remain in the present?